Christmas List: Five Funniest Christmas Flicks Ever

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Today I find myself knee deep in loads of laundry as I work to squeeze my life into two suitcases. So, naturally, I started dreaming about hot coco nights with the movies that bring pure joy to my life. This is a list post. A list of my favorite Christmas movies. It’s what’s getting me through the impossible task of packing.

And we can find a purpose in this post too- because Christmas is about joy and laughter and friends and family and dogs in sweaters and merryness! And on days when the snow is shooting at your face and the free time in the schedule becomes slimmer and slimmer, we all need a good laugh. Perhaps part of the reason we celebrate the season? Winter blues can sneak up like slick ice on the sidewalk, these gems are sure cures.

– RR

Christmas Vacation

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“Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-a**, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s*** he is! Hallelujah! Holy s***! Where’s the Tylenol?”  -Clark Griswold

Clark: “Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany’s 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of grace.”

Aunt Bethany: “What dear?”
Noah Griswold: “Grace!”
Aunt Bethany: “Grace? She passed away 30 years ago.”
Uncle Lewis: “They want you to say grace. The blesssssing.”
Aunt Bethany (after everyone has bowed heads for the blessing): “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
Clark: “Amen.”

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

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“My tie is in the bathroom and I can’t go in because Uncle Frank is taking a shower. He says that if I walked in there and saw him naked I’d grow up never feeling like a real man.”
-Kevin McCallister

Harry: [Marv brings a load of stolen goods from the Murphy household to the van and Harry sees him laughing] What’s so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again didn’t you? You left the water running. What’s wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.
Marv: Harry, it’s our calling card!
Harry: Calling card.
Marv: All the great ones leave their mark. We’re the wet bandits!

ELF

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“You stink. You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.”

“Wow, you’re fast. I’m glad I caught up to you. I waited 5 hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news – I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework? Huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?”

Jingle All the Way (Only because of Sinbad)

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They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children’s’ minds out! And I know what I’m talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I’m right in there, I know what’s going on. They make the kids feel like garbage and you, the father, who’s working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can’t fix it because it’s little cheap plastic!”

“How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: “Dear Santa, Can you send me a bike and a slinky?” No! Your father’s been laid off!”

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

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“Oh, the Who-manity!

“All right, you’re a reindeer. Here’s your motivation: Your name is Rudolph, you’re a freak with a red nose, and no one likes you. Then, one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas. No, forget that part. We’ll improvise… just keep it kind of loosey-goosey. You hate Christmas! You’re gonna steal it. Saving Christmas is a lousy ending, way too commercial. Action!”

Laughing yet? No? I brought back up.

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